You take a big risk when playing the trombone - my Spit Valve (ok, “Water Key” if you flute and clarinet players insist on calling it that) popped off in the middle of rehearsal.

I’m still playing the same Olds trombone my parents bought me for Christmas* in the 10th grade. About two decades ago, the original spit valve popped off. I wound some electrical tape around the hole and was quite content with that, but two years ago I decided “I should have this thing cleaned once every forty years” and took it in to the shop for a thorough ultrasonic debunking, and they also installed a new spit valve. Which worked great until Tuesday.

So I went back to the store yesterday … Apparently a repair - which looks pretty simple to me, just solder it back on, how long could that take? - requires leaving my trombone at the store for a few weeks. They have a huge backlog of mistreated school instruments in the shop.

But they’d be happy to rent or sell me another one. Except that the store has apparently let its two brass sales people go, and the kind person helping me didn’t really know much about trombones.

Going to make some calls to see if anybody can fix this faster. Or maybe I can solder it myself. Hey, it’s just plumbing, right?

I guess long waits are a risk of the socialized musical instrument repair system we have in Canada.

you have taken good care of this instrument, right? RIGHT?

Well, sure. I have it cleaned every 30 years whether it needs it or not. I have never really messed with the tuning slide though. I’m sure it was in tune when it left the factory.

One time, though, I was coming home after an Argonotes gig and as usual I had a car full of band junk I had to unload. And it was late. I took my trombone out of the back, set it down, took all the drums and other stuff out, put them away in the garage, and went to bed.

Then the next morning, I forget who was driving when this happened, but as the van backed out of the driveway there was this odd kaTHUMP sound. As it drove over the trombone. Which, fortunately, was still in its original hard case.

The case did not survive. It gave its life to protect the horn. Thank you, case, for your service.

Somehow the trombone was OK though. Although that might have jiggled the spit valve loose now that I think about it.

a tangent to talk about sousaphones for a moment

Looking for other options, I might take it to Music-Aid in London, and see if they remember me. In 1982 I visited that same store to get another instrument fixed, and I said something to the guy about how hard it was to buy used instruments, now that the school board was not having its annual surplus auction. And that I’d really like to find a tuba for the UW Warriors Band.

“A tuba?” he responded. “I’ve got two sousaphones in the basement. I don’t know what to do with them … You can have them for, I dunno, $200.”

SOLD! And with that, the Warriors Band acquired enough parts to assemble almost one complete functioning sousaphone.

get back on topic

Anyway, I probably shouldn’t spend a whole lot on maintaining this ancient instrument, even though it has great sentimental value and has been on many band journeys with me… Maybe it’s time for a new horn. But, as someone pointed out, if you buy a new instrument, you can’t fall back on how crummy your current trombone is as an excuse for playing badly.

I promise I’ll update you with how this saga turns out. For now, once again, electrical tape is covering the hole. Maybe I can decorate the horn with Christmas lights and nobody will notice.

where did this trombone come from?

Let me take you back to London Central Secondary School in the 1970s. had played trumpet grades 6-8 but somehow getting braces on my teeth plus the desire of music teacher Mr. Clarke to have more balance in the junior band caused me to switch to Trombone. (In retrospect, a good move; as you know, all the goofballs in the band eventually wind up in the trombone section.)

Mom and Dad wanted to surprise me for Christmas with my own Trombone. So they contacted Mr. Clarke to ask what kind they should get. He suggested this Olds model, but then, weirdly …

The following day, Mr. Clarke gave me one of the school’s newer instruments for my own use, and said “Your parents wanted to get you a trombone for Christmas, but now they don’t have to.”

I relayed this message to Mom and Dad at dinner. Gee thanks for messing up the surprise. Dad was more than a little annoyed.

don’t you have another trombone?

Look, there is no rule that says you can only own one trombone. Yes, I have this brass Olds instrument, circa 1973. I also have a plastic Pbone, circa 2011, which is my Football Trombone and which I am able to jam into my checked baggage for trips to the Grey Cup. The plastic horns have a great advantage. They don’t sound great, but they are CHEAP, and you probably wouldn’t be too sad if something happened to it. You could buy another. Maybe they have a subscription. Hmmm.

Also you can get a blue one to match the rest of your outfit.