I’ve got an upcoming eye appointment, so it’s time to review. Remember: you can choose any of these routines. Trust me, they’ve never heard ANY of them.

• The one where you say you’re seeing spots in front of your eyes, and they say “Have you ever seen a doctor?”, and you reply “No, just spots.”

• The one where you ask if you’ll be able to play the violin after the cataract surgery and they say “Of course”, and then you say “Great! I’ve always wanted to play the violin.”

• The one where they ask if your eyes have ever been checked, and you can reply “No, they’ve always been brown.”

• The one about the pessimist says the glass is half empty, the optimist says it’s half full, but the optometrist asks “Which glass is better. this one? Or this one? Now? How about now?”

• The one about the optician who backed into the lens-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

Just a little vitreous humour.